The Reality of Pet Loss

Welcome to one of my most vulnerable blog posts! As I continue to overcome the grieving process of losing my almost 15 year old dog, the first dog I raised as a puppy with my husband, and one who spent every single day with us.

To some, a pet is "just a pet" and not family. Working in the veterinary industry for over 10 years as a nurse, I have plenty of heartbreaking experiences firsthand watching owners, friends, coworkers and family say goodbye to their beloved furry family members. I thought I understood grief as I had lost my father at 17 years old and went through many years of grieving his sudden loss...

I thought I understood the grief as I could just go back to work after a euthanasia because I had a job to do....

Nothing could of prepared me for the sense of loss and grief and depression I was going to experience in January 2021.

Meet Rottie:

This mutt came into our lives on the Fourth of July 2006 after being found on a road in rural west Miami. He was the runt of the litter found in a corner away from the rest of the litter with their mom nowhere in sight. He looked skinny, was missing fur, and of course was the one I chose to take home that holiday. He cried the entire way home, he cried when we go home and tried to play with a squeaky toy, and he was quickly stuck to me like glue. The joke was always that I gave birth to him! My husband and I had just finished dating for one year and had secretly been married only a few months before. As a married couple that didn't want to have children, this was our child, and we spoiled him rotten!

Massachusetts:

As Rottie was turning year old, we made the decision to move to Massachusetts, my home state, so that we could live with my mom and not worry about bills while I got my degree. Rottie of course made the trip with us! And he enjoyed three years of snow, beach, travels, and dodging coyotes in the back yard even! And his grandma was his favorite person during that time!

Move back to Miami and the not-so-single-child life in 2010:

Once we returned to Miami, I began working at a local small animal hospital in South Beach. It was there that shortly after I met Cammie, a 1-2 year old Morkie that was being surrendered by her owners who could not provide the care they could to a sick dog. What turned into a foster situation ended up being our new member of the family! Rottie was NOT happy with this addition and would hide his toys, not allow her to drink from his water dish, and refused to share a bed with her! The difference in personalities was fun to experience, and eventually they formed a bond that wasn't cuddly and lovey, but more of an understanding and respect. With time, the the small 7 pound Morkie was the alpha of the house who put him in check with just a look or growl his way!

2020 arrives with a BANG:

Fast forward to 2020, the year of the pandemic....many people who never experienced mental health issues or depression were about to have a surprise headed their way as the world changed and life as we knew it did as well. I at least was so busy at work! The veterinary industry didn't stop! If anything, it fell short of staff as many tried to find out what to do with themselves as the COVID-19 virus tore the world apart and brought fear and restlessness. Caught up in work, I never saw any warning signs from Rottie who was always a healthy, active, crazy dog! We celebrated his 14th birthday on the Fourth of July 2020 and said "let's make him a cake and make it special as he is getting older". And we had such a wonderful birthday celebration for him! Little did we know, it would be his last.

December 2020:

As the end of the craziest year ever experienced, I began to notice Rottie was weak in his back legs and they would slide out when drinking water. He also seemed to be falling more and losing his strength requiring stairs to reach our bed and couch. On December 23rd, I casually brought him to work with me just to get him checked out. He was never the sick one in the house like Cammie, who had more lives than a cat with her health issues she was born with! In fact, we always thought she would live a short life, much shorter than Rottie! To my horror, the resident at worked discovered that Rottie was internally bleeding from a tumor known as Hemangiosarcoma. One of the most common and silent cancers was in almost every organ in his abdomen including his liver, meaning it had metastasized and there was nothing to do but keep him comfortable in his last days. The amount of support my work family gave me was unremarkable. Our resident reached out to her peers and we started him on new holistic treatments meant to keep the bleeding from progressing fast and keep him comfortable until the sad day would come.

Christmas and New Years 2020:

We cried, we hugged, and we celebrated Christmas and New Years taking Rottie with us on walks and to brunches! To breweries and more! He had become deaf as he got older, and Cammie had just starting losing her sight in mid 2020. Their bond was closer than ever as he was her eyes and she was his ears. He began to slow down after Christmas as he adjusted to his meds, and by New Years was jumping and playing like a puppy once again! We were able to enjoy Rottie for a few more weeks! He got to spend some days at work with me so I could keep an eye on him, I canceled birthday travel plans in February just in case, and we counted our days with him.

January 21st, 2021:

Arriving home from work, I knew something was wrong when I wasn't greeted at the door by Rottie on January 20th. I found him laying down on the dog bed, with his head up when he realized I was home, but unable to move. I knew this was it, that the day we didn't want to arrive had arrived. I let work know I wouldn't be in for my shift the next day or a few days after, but I would be there at some point on the 21st to do what was fair to him and put him down. We cried and embraced him all night. We comforted him, hugged him, and picked him up carefully to move him around from the living room to the bedroom so he could be with us in bed. The following day we could not get ourselves to leave. We felt it was unreal, and as the day went on we finally built up the courage to go. It was fair for him. A process that I had been a part of hundreds of times in my career, but my first time on the other side of the fence with one of my own.. My coworkers all greeted him with love, hugs, and kisses. I was embraced by each one of them working that day, and texted by those that were off and heard the news. We went though this familiar process with him on my lap, cuddling like he loved to, kissing my nose and my husband's, and we said goodbye peacefully.

The grief was unbearable. Cammie even looked for him for 3 weeks and we realized just how blind she really was shortly after and how much she depended on him. We knew that life must go on, but it was so hard. The stress of the pandemic was hard enough on the world and myself, and losing him gave me a perspective on how precious life was and to never take anything or anyone for granted. Something you already have engrained in you is that, but his loss made those emotions and feelings stronger. I always was empathetic to those that lost their pets, and with this I developed a deeper understanding to it and understood the pain and how hard it was to climb back from it. I put on poker face at work for a long time, but could not be part of a euthanasia process for months.

Do not judge any of your friends or peers when they call-out of work due to the loss of their pet. Do not judge when they slip into a state of depression that makes them lose the motivation to even eat or work out. Do not judge them because "it's just a pet". Do not judge them if they reach out to a doctor for help and get put on antidepressants to help them reset their minds. The grief can be closely compared to that of losing a child, especially to a couple that could never have kids even if they wanted to. And it is not a grief that will not just go away with time.

Today is July 4th 2021, Rottie's birthday. I told myself I wouldn't cry, but here I am! However it's ok to cry, it's ok to remember, it's ok to stay strong as well! It's ok to look at life differently and know you are strong and can find happiness in the sadness. Now we stay strong for Cammie and know we will experience this again in the next year or so as she gets older with her already frail state. They say it might be easier the second time, and that is probably true, but it will always hurt still. Thank you Rottie for almost 15 years of wonderful memories! And HAPPY 15th Birthday!

Hug your pet today, love them, and when they go, feel joy that they were a part of your life, no matter what time that was! They are part of your family always.

Today we celebrate his life and are surrounded by memories both in our minds and around our house. He was a special boy, unique in many ways. And we cry for him still, but know that we were so lucky to of had him in our lives.